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Re-Connecting After an Affair

"My wife/husband/partner just found out about my affair. I don't want to lose this relationship. What can I do?"

• Recognize that re-building trust takes a long time.
• Be patient.
• Be pro-active in reading books about affairs and start the repair process.
• Start couples therapy to understand what was not working in the relationship.
• Learn and practice new tools to communicate and relate effectively.
• Schedule regular couple time together, such as a daily walk, weekly lunch, or playing tennis.
• Commit to re-creating a better relationship.

Couples and Conflicts

"My partner is always picking fights, and I'll do anything to avoid conflict. How can I stop him/her from all this arguing?"

Have you ever met anyone who loves conflict?! Avoiding all conflicts simply leads to resentments that get expressed by "forgetting" to keep agreements and other indirect methods. The key to successfully dealing with conflict is to find ways to work it through.

• Identify the issues.
• Express your ideas respectfully.
• Listen to your partner with the goal of understanding.
• Brainstorm solutions
• Take action and re-evaluate.

Strong, Healthy Relationship Connections

Couples who have a strong connection with one another report the following:

• He calls me during the day just to tell me how terrific I am and see how I'm doing.
• He and I have fun and try new things together.
• I feel so happy when we are cooking a meal that we have both planned.
• After 25 years together we still look forward to seeing each other.
• He takes care of all the child care and overnight trip details and just tells me to be ready Saturday morning.
• We take just the two of us out to lunch and hold hands.

How do you maintain your connection with one another?

Resentment Breeding Grounds

"My wife is so wrapped up in her work that she never listens to me."
"When I suggested a weekend trip to celebrate our anniversary, my husband listed all the reasons we couldn't get away."

These experiences in couple relationships are breeding grounds for resentment. Frequently, to avoid conflict, someone in the relationship decides not to say anything and retreats into cold silence while their partner yells and complains.

Not surprisingly, both of these relationship styles result in verbal attacks, hostile humor and less intimacy.

"This is just one more example of having to do things your way."

"You never listen to me!"

The willingness to listen with the intention of seeing how it feels to be in your partner's shoes can be almost miraculous.

Counseling is an effective way to develop communication tools to repair past resentments and build fun-loving and intimate relationships.

Declare a CEASE-FIRE!

Do you ever have those times you just want to "fire-up" at someone...in the workplace, at home, your friend, your partner, the clerk in the store? You may even have thought of exactly what you want you say to attack, put down, accuse, and/or make wrong! Each of us has had these experiences.

What do you think might happen if you showed some understanding and compassion? Maybe took a few deeps breaths before you reacted?

1. First of all, you would be reinforcing the compassionate part of your brain instead of the judgmental parts.
2. You would lower your blood pressure.
3. You would probably feel better about the ways you are treating others.

Try it out!

Set Any Goals Lately?

It is common knowledge that individuals and couples who set goals are much more likely to accomplish them. Telling someone about your goals is not only more motivating but also increases your accountability and provides support.

Here are some ideas for successful goal achievement:

• Set SPECIFIC goals. List triggers for my anxiety and learn effective tools to decrease it.
• Make them MEASUREABLE. Rate my level of anxiety using a 1-10 scale when I am triggered and after applying the tools.
• Create ACHIEVABLE goals. Ask myself whether I am willing to find the resources and commit the time to reach these goals.
• Identify the REWARDS. Reducing my anxiety will help me relax and enjoy my life.
• Be sure they are TIME-BASED. Practicing these tools 3 times a week for the next month will help me evaluate their effectiveness.